1 00:00:08,460 --> 00:00:12,060 Read about the things that happen throughout the world. 2 00:00:13,660 --> 00:00:17,520 Don't believe in everything you see or hear. 3 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,620 Read all about it. 4 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,880 Welcome to a brand new Mock the Week. I'm Dara Breen. Joining me are Milton 5 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:48,040 Jones, Rhys James and Lou Sanders, Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne and Aher Shah. 6 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,660 We start tonight with a round called Picture of the Week. 7 00:00:58,860 --> 00:01:01,860 I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening. So, 8 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:02,880 teams, what's going on here? 9 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,200 Bit late for a getaway car. 10 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,220 That's just where he lives now. 11 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,700 He usually drives a younger model, actually. 12 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,080 That's just a bloke looking at himself in the rearview mirror going, you 13 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,280 handsome devil, you've still got it. 14 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,560 No, let's not have LBC on today. Let's just listen to the music, actually. 15 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,860 It's just coming up to a no entry sign and thinking, well, that never stopped 16 00:01:34,860 --> 00:01:35,860 me before. 17 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:38,780 Well, he does have the look of a... 18 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:44,140 who's just heard a thud in the boot and realised... I think he works for Uber 19 00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:45,140 Eats now. 20 00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:46,940 Mostly Pizza Express. 21 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,740 He's got a new career now, and this is actually a still from his new travel 22 00:01:52,740 --> 00:01:54,420 show, Andrew's Hard Drive. 23 00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:58,680 No, no, no, this is the TLC Top Gear reboot. 24 00:02:00,740 --> 00:02:04,580 Is he running over an old lady so he can get some better news coverage? 25 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:12,080 He's just thinking to himself, oh, the grand old Duke of York, he had 10,000 26 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,460 mentions in the Epstein file. 27 00:02:15,580 --> 00:02:18,880 He's driving to a Morrison's car park to meet a lovely young lady he's spoken to 28 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,020 online that definitely isn't a 40-year-old man who's going to film him 29 00:02:21,020 --> 00:02:22,020 for Facebook Live. 30 00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:24,300 We've all been there. 31 00:02:25,950 --> 00:02:30,610 If I didn't know him better, I would say that is the haunted look of a man who 32 00:02:30,610 --> 00:02:33,410 knows he's done terrible things and it's all catching up to him. 33 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:37,870 If I didn't know him better. Yeah, and you do know him pretty well. 34 00:02:38,630 --> 00:02:40,250 How was that holiday on that island? 35 00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:44,210 Anyone give the correct answer? 36 00:02:44,450 --> 00:02:48,910 It's Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. It does, does, yeah. No longer Prince 37 00:02:48,910 --> 00:02:49,910 Andrew. Yeah. 38 00:02:50,090 --> 00:02:52,250 Oh, and more information? No, it's all right, I'll do fine. 39 00:02:57,020 --> 00:03:00,500 Yes, of course. This is the news that further evidence has emerged of 40 00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:03,280 disgraced former Prince Andrew Mountbatten's involvement with Jeffrey 41 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:06,420 Epstein, increasing pressure on him to testify before the US Congress. 42 00:03:06,740 --> 00:03:09,460 Yes, it's only Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, although apparently 43 00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:13,140 the Andrews don't want him to be called Andrew anymore. The big bad name, Andrew 44 00:03:13,140 --> 00:03:15,260 Garfield. Even Andrew Tate is against him. 45 00:03:16,540 --> 00:03:19,280 To be fair, Darwin, this isn't THE picture. 46 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,200 No, absolutely very, very true. This is not the picture. 47 00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:25,940 We felt that maybe the handling of the picture could be something that could be 48 00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:30,140 done with the sensitivity and delicacy that we are not renowned for. 49 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:35,460 We all are picturing the picture in our heads. The CPR class that he's 50 00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:39,280 attending. Yeah, the first aid course he was on. The first aid course he's going, 51 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:40,440 and do I press here? 52 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:44,180 No, no, that picture, yeah, that's the one. Because I'm thinking... 53 00:03:44,410 --> 00:03:47,730 you know he's got he might have to go and testify in front of congress yeah 54 00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:50,630 and i'm not sure how he'll cope with that considering he went to pieces with 55 00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:55,730 emily maitland how he's going to be in a state room with a load of congress but 56 00:03:55,730 --> 00:03:59,610 he'll just be like oh no i that can't be me in that picture i can't kneel i don't 57 00:03:59,610 --> 00:04:06,210 even have knees i had knees but they're shot away in the parkland you 58 00:04:06,210 --> 00:04:09,570 don't think it also has a certain irony about congress that's what got me into 59 00:04:09,570 --> 00:04:10,570 all this trouble 60 00:04:11,869 --> 00:04:14,510 But he needs to get a proper punishment because the last punishment he got for 61 00:04:14,510 --> 00:04:17,649 basically this exact same thing is they just stripped him of his titles, right? 62 00:04:17,709 --> 00:04:20,450 So basically all that happened is he's got no medals anymore, he's got no 63 00:04:20,450 --> 00:04:22,310 castle, and he doesn't get royal security. 64 00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:25,990 So his punishment for being in the Epstein Files is he has to be me. 65 00:04:27,270 --> 00:04:31,210 I don't have any of that stuff, and he is reduced to living my life. 66 00:04:32,410 --> 00:04:35,750 That's better than your life. Have you seen the house he's moving into? 67 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,860 That house he's moving into is incredible, and all his friends are 68 00:04:45,860 --> 00:04:48,700 like, oh, we're worried he's hit rock bottom. It turns out he's rock bottom 69 00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:49,860 with my glass ceiling. 70 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:54,520 Yes, it is a thing, and I think, look, I just think it's a general piece of 71 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:58,880 advice that if you are going to be best friends with, like, a guy who organises 72 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,880 sex parties, try to have one whose other hobby is not photography. 73 00:05:02,740 --> 00:05:03,740 LAUGHTER 74 00:05:11,910 --> 00:05:18,590 This whole thing's made me completely lose trust in billionaires with private 75 00:05:18,590 --> 00:05:19,590 islands. 76 00:05:20,830 --> 00:05:23,650 You've now got to be looking into anyone who's got an island, right? Tracy, start 77 00:05:23,650 --> 00:05:24,910 there. Never trusted those kind of girls. 78 00:05:25,630 --> 00:05:28,670 Then you're looking at, what, Isle of Man. Who's this man? What's he done? 79 00:05:29,690 --> 00:05:31,770 You know, Love Island. That's obviously run by a pervert. 80 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:34,750 I bet you've got one. 81 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:41,260 I don't have one. For the record, I don't have an island. I have a number of 82 00:05:41,260 --> 00:05:42,960 yachts, but none of you ever come and holiday my yacht. 83 00:05:43,380 --> 00:05:45,920 I keep asking you to come and holiday my yacht, like, whatever. You're all going, 84 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,540 Geoff, you have to see his yacht, but you won't go on my yacht. 85 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,060 You can blow up Tingy, that's why. 86 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,900 A good way of remembering the islands around Britain is Barry White, Philly 87 00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:56,900 Man. 88 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,460 And no one is saying that about the Epstein case. No one! 89 00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:09,820 He kept using an alias in the emails, right? But the alias was The Duke. 90 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:16,120 And he signed all the emails off A, and then all the emails, bear in mind, he 91 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,760 didn't want them to know who it was if they ever found this. Ted thinks, like, 92 00:06:18,820 --> 00:06:20,940 I can't come that weekend, my mummy's having her diamond jubilee. 93 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:27,620 I've never thought I'd find myself feeling sorry for, like, King Charles 94 00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:32,130 and Prince Edward being, you know, the reflection of sort of... I think it's 95 00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:34,990 got to the point now where they've got to change the name of their Scottish 96 00:06:34,990 --> 00:06:37,310 residence, the Royals, to Ballymoral. 97 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:42,030 If bloody Milton had said that! 98 00:06:45,650 --> 00:06:50,870 If the Royals could change their residence to Ballymoral. 99 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,440 Can I just say what I was going to say, which is that basically, obviously, even 100 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:05,780 inclusion in the files themselves does not imply wrongdoing. It's very 101 00:07:05,780 --> 00:07:07,920 important to say that. I'm going to repeat that again, looking you all in 102 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,820 the eye. Inclusion in the files. There's a lot more documents still to come out. 103 00:07:11,260 --> 00:07:12,780 Inclusion in the files. Just remember this. 104 00:07:13,820 --> 00:07:14,940 Inclusion in the files. 105 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:20,320 It does not imply any wrongdoing. We all just had a few spam emails in the 90s. 106 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:24,400 I did look. You can go on the Department of Justice website and you can search 107 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,860 names in there. And I searched your name in there. 108 00:07:27,130 --> 00:07:30,170 There's no Dara O'Brien in the files, you'll be pleased to know. But Dara is 109 00:07:30,170 --> 00:07:31,330 mentioned 41 times. 110 00:07:31,890 --> 00:07:38,450 This is just fucking... Including the sentence, 111 00:07:38,770 --> 00:07:41,110 Geoffrey thought Dara might like to see this image he took. 112 00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:44,510 Right? And okay, fine, your defence might be, oh, it's obviously another 113 00:07:44,510 --> 00:07:47,590 Dara. You're not going to believe this. It's genuinely true. Look it up. There 114 00:07:47,590 --> 00:07:49,050 are two mentions of Megabus. 115 00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:50,550 Genuinely. 116 00:07:54,830 --> 00:07:55,759 It's true. 117 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,400 That is true. The word Dara may well appear quite a lot, but I wouldn't put 118 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:03,040 it past, like, that just being he tried to write deer and spelt it wrong. Like, 119 00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:06,780 have you seen the way... They're incredibly... They're weird. There's, 120 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:10,280 like, seven faces in the middle of words and everything. Like, punctuation... 121 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,580 Like, Jeffrey Epstein emails, like, my mum. 122 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,580 Like, style, not content. 123 00:08:16,140 --> 00:08:20,500 Style, not content. He does. He's very clear. He types like he's being chased 124 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,500 by a bear. 125 00:08:23,539 --> 00:08:27,340 Also, his inbox is so different to mine, and again, not just content, right? All 126 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:31,200 of the emails in his inbox are, like, relevant to his life. He's not getting 127 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,880 any emails from, like, places he signed up for Wi-Fi once. 128 00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:36,860 At no point does he say, T-Base service is missing you. 129 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,799 I've got Choctastic Christmas from all here at Lindor. 130 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:46,100 Are you thinking, when you left the island, you'd immediately go, how was 131 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:47,100 your time in the island? 132 00:08:48,450 --> 00:08:51,330 Really? Maybe out of five? I mean, I feel, you know, wrong. 133 00:08:51,790 --> 00:08:54,190 Why has Peter Mandelson had a bad week? Same. 134 00:08:54,770 --> 00:08:58,010 Yeah, I mean, Peter has really run the last few minutes of his job to where 135 00:08:58,010 --> 00:08:59,110 Peter Mandelson is there, yeah. 136 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,090 He was in the emails about 6,000 times. 137 00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:06,430 But it doesn't seem entirely mutual. It just feels like Mandelson was badgering 138 00:09:06,430 --> 00:09:08,410 everything. Like, he would not stop. 139 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,800 Emailing him. All this, I miss you, I love you, where are you? 140 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:16,320 Just the amount of stuff he was just throwing at Epstein the whole time. I 141 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:19,800 started reading all that. Do you know what? Maybe Epstein did kill himself. 142 00:09:24,210 --> 00:09:27,790 This is a photograph of Mandelson's thighs, if you're ever wondering what 143 00:09:27,790 --> 00:09:28,790 they look like. 144 00:09:29,810 --> 00:09:31,650 In a flat, I believe, in Europe. 145 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,930 That's not on the island. It's in a flat in Europe, but owned by Jeffrey Epstein. 146 00:09:35,810 --> 00:09:39,310 She's a young woman. Look at these kids with their iPads always glued to their 147 00:09:39,310 --> 00:09:40,310 face. 148 00:09:46,250 --> 00:09:50,350 Peter Mandelson's nickname in politics was the Prince of Darkness. 149 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:55,620 and peter mandelson's nickname has been the prince of darkness for so long that 150 00:09:55,620 --> 00:10:00,060 when he was first called the prince of darkness the scary bit was of darkness 151 00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:08,040 He was giving sensitive information in state secrets and stuff, wasn't he? 152 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,260 There's a thought of that with kids. That's what's being investigated. 153 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:14,180 And it's weird, because sometimes in life we're all faced with a huge, 154 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,800 impossible decision of loyalty. 155 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:20,340 Like, who am I loyal to? An international billionaire paedophile, or 156 00:10:20,340 --> 00:10:21,840 the government I currently work for? 157 00:10:23,780 --> 00:10:26,740 All these things about Peter Manson are, of course, allegations. 158 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,660 And it's such a betrayal. People are saying this is, like, the stuff he was 159 00:10:32,660 --> 00:10:35,120 revealing is the biggest betrayal of this country for decades or whatever. 160 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:38,460 Like, it is. It's absolutely ridiculous what he gave away. The only way it could 161 00:10:38,460 --> 00:10:42,780 be more of a betrayal for Britain is if he was caught, like, secretly murdering 162 00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:46,200 Paddington and then skipping the queue to see him lying in wait. 163 00:10:48,380 --> 00:10:51,300 I like the way that he said, oh, I'll do the right thing and I'll leave the 164 00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:52,259 Labour Party. 165 00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:55,000 As if, like, it's like going out with someone, setting their house on fire, 166 00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:57,000 then going, I think we should split up. 167 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:03,600 In other news, what by-election has the nation talking this week? Gordon and 168 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,440 Denton. It's Gordon and Denton. Gordon and Denton, yeah. Can you, unlike the 169 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:07,940 Green Party, correctly spell Gordon? 170 00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:12,060 Listen, if there's one thing I know about Gordon and Denton, it's that 171 00:11:12,060 --> 00:11:15,900 everyone on this panel has today been on the Wikipedia page for Gordon and 172 00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:16,900 Denton. 173 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,840 The Greens misspelled Gordon in their canvas, yeah. Worst possible thing that 174 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,500 can happen to the Greens, because now they've got to print it again. 175 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:23,800 Yeah. 176 00:11:29,540 --> 00:11:34,560 The fear is that reform wins. But what I'm hearing on the doorstep is, don't 177 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:35,740 open the door, there's a weirdo. 178 00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:48,060 Join us again after a good break. 179 00:11:56,830 --> 00:12:01,510 The next round is called Between the Lines and features Ed and Rhys. Would 180 00:12:01,510 --> 00:12:03,030 you make your way to the press pit, please? 181 00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:06,110 Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure on the world stage, 182 00:12:06,270 --> 00:12:08,010 and Ed will translate what they really mean. 183 00:12:08,230 --> 00:12:10,010 This week, Rhys is Elon Musk. 184 00:12:12,010 --> 00:12:14,350 What the fuck? This week of all weeks? 185 00:12:16,990 --> 00:12:17,990 Greetings. 186 00:12:19,410 --> 00:12:21,010 I've been expecting you, Mr. Bond. 187 00:12:22,670 --> 00:12:25,270 I have come here to show you I'm just like everyone else. 188 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:29,340 And I want to learn about this emotion, love, that you humans talk about. 189 00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:33,420 I am determined to make space travel safe and simple. 190 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,420 It is time for me to return to my home planet. 191 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,400 There's no need to worry about the influence my wealth has brought me. 192 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:44,620 Instead, you should worry about the massive moon laser that I have pointed 193 00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:45,620 at New York City. 194 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,760 I am a huge believer in the future of X and AI. 195 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,880 At least, I think that's what my sons are called. 196 00:12:55,050 --> 00:12:57,470 AI could pose a danger to the future of humanity. 197 00:12:57,850 --> 00:12:59,430 Especially if I have anything to do with it. 198 00:13:00,990 --> 00:13:02,690 I am a good businessman. 199 00:13:03,230 --> 00:13:04,950 X is now worth $19 billion. 200 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,950 When I bought it, it was worth $44 billion. 201 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,730 The future is driverless cars. 202 00:13:13,190 --> 00:13:15,870 In the future, a lot of pedestrians are going to die. 203 00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:22,470 People say I have turned social media into a space full of hate. 204 00:13:23,050 --> 00:13:24,370 And here are their names and addresses. 205 00:13:24,630 --> 00:13:31,490 My views are so weird. Why do so many people want to meet me? Why do so 206 00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:32,770 many women want to date me? 207 00:13:32,990 --> 00:13:34,250 I am worth a trillion dollars. 208 00:13:36,350 --> 00:13:39,210 People have said I'm rude, easily offended, and childish. 209 00:13:39,570 --> 00:13:41,870 Ignore those people. They're all big fat stinky pedos. 210 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:55,140 Let's move on now to the game we call Connection. Out of the panel, pictures 211 00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:58,360 of two well-known figures and ask them to work out how they might be connected. 212 00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:02,440 So, what connects Kermit the Frog and Donald Trump? 213 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:07,440 Ooh, one's an amphibian and the other one's always an amphibian. 214 00:14:08,980 --> 00:14:10,340 Very nice, very good. 215 00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:12,580 Because these two are connected. 216 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,020 They're both Muppets. 217 00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,620 I thought that was a clothing joke, but let's do some more. 218 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:27,180 I feel like I'm quite pale, so if I stood in between the two of them, we 219 00:14:27,180 --> 00:14:28,360 could make the Irish flag. 220 00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:35,240 Is the thing that connects them that they both have fingers that smell of 221 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,240 pork? 222 00:14:38,900 --> 00:14:42,540 What's odd is that only one of them has ever said, quiet piggy. 223 00:14:45,060 --> 00:14:46,060 Oh, yeah. 224 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,900 It's very successful taking a news story and made it relevant to the question. I 225 00:14:49,900 --> 00:14:52,700 mean, people wonder why it is all just cock jokes, but that's why. 226 00:14:54,180 --> 00:14:58,000 Despite being the right age, neither of them served in Vietnam. 227 00:15:00,660 --> 00:15:03,520 I think we can only really hold that against one of them. It would be very 228 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,440 harsh. One of them is friends with a count. 229 00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:13,220 Is this how we find out Kermit's in the Epstein files? 230 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,720 I met him once, but we didn't party together. I just got text advice. 231 00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:27,920 The answer is they both released their own fragrances. 232 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,560 I thought genuinely it was that both of them have a film about their wife. 233 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:37,000 No, I thought it was going to be that they both have green balls. 234 00:15:39,620 --> 00:15:41,060 No, it's the answer I just said. 235 00:15:43,430 --> 00:15:47,790 They both released their own fragrances. In 1995, Kermit's Amphibia Eau de 236 00:15:47,790 --> 00:15:50,750 Toilette was sold exclusively in Bloomingdale's department stores in the 237 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:53,810 US. Meanwhile, President Trump has released a number of scents over the 238 00:15:53,810 --> 00:15:54,890 years. I bet he has. Yeah. 239 00:15:55,510 --> 00:15:57,110 A lot of them during meetings. 240 00:15:57,370 --> 00:16:02,410 Yeah. His latest was called Victory 4547, which really was the easiest years 241 00:16:02,410 --> 00:16:03,409 to fight in the war. 242 00:16:03,410 --> 00:16:10,410 And launched in June last year. Moving on, what's going on here? 243 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:15,480 That's the size of font he needs to remember his own wife's name. 244 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,200 We think he's standing in front of the word Melania. For all we know, he could 245 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,200 be at memory services. 246 00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:26,840 I feel like they're standing in front of the best pull quote they could get for 247 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,000 the documentary, which was just, meh. 248 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:34,680 If you zoom out, it says mehogany, and that's the colour that they both are. 249 00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:40,880 Whenever I see, like, a beautiful woman and a haggard man like this, there's a 250 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,960 little game I like to play, which is, is it a marriage or is it a Sky Sports 251 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:45,960 presenting duo? 252 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,660 It does have the transfer deadline day look about it. 253 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,660 I bet Trump saw that sign and thought he was at the Emmys. 254 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:03,620 I mean, it looks like they're just coming out of her documentary, and he's 255 00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:04,619 just going, well, that was shit. 256 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,460 I wanted to go see the John Bishop film. 257 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:13,880 I think they've just come out, the opticians, and he's going, M, E, I did 258 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:14,880 it perfectly. 259 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:20,200 I'm surprised you wanted him to see the film, because he might find out she's 260 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,200 foreign. 261 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,240 Yes, this is the US President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania at the 262 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,580 premiere of Melania in Washington, D.C. 263 00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:30,180 You already knew that. 264 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,560 It's exciting to have her in a documentary, though, because there are 265 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,260 so many types of documentaries you'd think Melania would not be ideal for. 266 00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:39,500 Like a wildlife documentary, which is just fans somewhere in the jungle going, 267 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:40,940 eat, eat, where? 268 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:42,360 Eat, eat, where? 269 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:44,340 Eat, then where? 270 00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:48,860 The amazing thing for me is that it genuinely is... There is a great story. 271 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,420 Melania's story is amazing, but it's just a bad film. 272 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:56,180 Right, her actual story is that she came from abject poverty and rose up to the 273 00:17:56,180 --> 00:17:59,840 highest possible position a woman can be in America, the president's wife. 274 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,320 Melania actually got into America on an Einstein visa. 275 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,620 Is that real? Is that a thing? Yeah, genuinely. 276 00:18:09,140 --> 00:18:11,940 Is that what you've got? No, no, no. 277 00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:14,580 The visa I have to get is just a performance visa. 278 00:18:14,780 --> 00:18:17,340 I have to go into a booth in the American Embassy and essentially do the 279 00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:20,180 show to somebody sitting behind a glass and I'm there going... 280 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:21,850 Lights come up. 281 00:18:23,390 --> 00:18:26,170 I walk out, I go, oh, hello. 282 00:18:27,730 --> 00:18:28,730 Act one ends. 283 00:18:29,110 --> 00:18:30,110 Jesus, 284 00:18:30,230 --> 00:18:31,910 is there much more of this? There's two other acts. 285 00:18:32,750 --> 00:18:36,290 The irony is, when we go to America, none of us are getting visas after this 286 00:18:36,290 --> 00:18:37,290 segment. 287 00:18:38,090 --> 00:18:40,650 Big hello to all the guys and gals at Homeland Security. 288 00:18:42,150 --> 00:18:45,290 I enjoyed it. I enjoyed watching it, and I would recommend it. Because you can go 289 00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:48,670 and see it at the moment as a double bill with Marty Supreme. 290 00:18:49,540 --> 00:18:53,940 Right? And one of those films is fundamentally about a sociopathic New 291 00:18:53,940 --> 00:18:57,100 York con man mistreating women, and the other's about ping pong. 292 00:19:00,060 --> 00:19:03,200 At the end of that round, the points go to Angela Ellen Aher. 293 00:19:06,540 --> 00:19:10,700 The next round is called Melania's Disappointing Opening. 294 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,860 This game involves Angela and Milton, so if you could make your way to the 295 00:19:17,860 --> 00:19:18,860 performance area, please. 296 00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:21,500 This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel of news, and whoever 297 00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:24,520 chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that 298 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,440 subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. 299 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,680 OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel. 300 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,400 The first subject is self-image. 301 00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:33,780 Oh, okay. 302 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,440 Why are you laughing at that? 303 00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:42,620 Are you all right, though? My self-image is very different to the real me. 304 00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:46,220 This isn't the woman I thought... I'm going to be 50 this year. I'll give you 305 00:19:46,220 --> 00:19:47,300 a moment for a gasp of surprise. 306 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:49,600 Fuck you. 307 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:54,600 The sort of woman I thought I would be approaching 50 is the sort of woman, and 308 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,600 there'll be some of you in here, some of you watching at home, is the sort of 309 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:02,380 woman who wakes up in the morning and with nothing but confidence puts on a 310 00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:03,380 white top. 311 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:08,100 And by lunchtime, she doesn't look like Bruce Willis at the end of Die Hard. 312 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,580 You know what you see in skinny women in white tops? They hang out in wine bars 313 00:20:12,580 --> 00:20:16,480 together, sometimes in white tops and white trousers, drinking red wine, the 314 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:17,480 fucking witches. 315 00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:24,960 that one day I would get common sense that's what I thought would happen 316 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:30,080 because I have my entire life been a demonstration in a lack of common sense 317 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:37,040 when I was when I was 22 I lost a shoe on the way to work I'll say that 318 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,260 again I lost a shoe 319 00:20:39,530 --> 00:20:42,330 On the way to work. Right, this is what happened. I was working in London at the 320 00:20:42,330 --> 00:20:45,450 time. I got on a train. As I stepped on the train, my shoe fell off my foot. It 321 00:20:45,450 --> 00:20:49,690 went under the train. I turned round to get off the train, but the doors closed 322 00:20:49,690 --> 00:20:54,450 before I could, so I'm now on the train going to central London with one shoe on 323 00:20:54,450 --> 00:20:55,690 and bright pink socks. 324 00:20:56,630 --> 00:21:00,630 And the entire rush hour carriage saw what happened, but because we were in 325 00:21:00,630 --> 00:21:02,190 London, no-one said a word. 326 00:21:03,230 --> 00:21:05,970 The entire carriage just looked at me and went... 327 00:21:09,420 --> 00:21:11,760 to make, haven't I? What do I do now? Do I try and get off at the next stop and 328 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,540 go back and get my shoe? I'm going to be late for work. I've just started a new 329 00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:17,660 job, so I decide I just have to carry on. And then I've got another decision 330 00:21:17,660 --> 00:21:21,080 to make, which is what looks more mental, one shoe or no shoe? 331 00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:26,220 So I decide no shoe somehow looks slightly less deranged, so I take the 332 00:21:26,220 --> 00:21:31,300 other shoe off, put that in my handbag, I now go to work with no shoes on, and I 333 00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:34,560 try and style it out all day, and I might have got away with it had my job 334 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,800 not been homeless outreach support work. 335 00:21:56,950 --> 00:22:03,590 If I understand history 336 00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:09,110 correctly, years ago, everyone in this country whose name was Colin... 337 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:11,160 Was rounded up. 338 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,120 And transported to places like Canada. 339 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:15,960 India. 340 00:22:16,740 --> 00:22:17,740 Australia. 341 00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:19,760 In an attempt. 342 00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:26,940 Some of you seem to be ahead of me. 343 00:22:29,420 --> 00:22:30,480 In an attempt. 344 00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:32,100 Here we go. 345 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:34,980 To colonize. 346 00:22:43,379 --> 00:22:44,760 Anyone here from up north? 347 00:22:46,180 --> 00:22:49,160 I was up in your part of the world the other day up near Cambridge. 348 00:22:53,740 --> 00:22:57,140 Recently I was just to the north of London. It turns out like a lot of 349 00:22:57,140 --> 00:23:00,140 people these days, I am in fact a Luton intolerant. 350 00:23:06,580 --> 00:23:09,440 I also really honor the people of Sheffield. 351 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:14,160 Not only did they make the deal, They also had to sell it as well, so in a 352 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,540 very real way, he who smelt it dealt him. 353 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,060 I love travel. 354 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,020 I hopped home the other day. 355 00:23:26,340 --> 00:23:28,180 I found a shoe on a railway line. 356 00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:54,500 He went off the rails. I said to him, Thomas, don't do that 357 00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:55,700 again. We love you. 358 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,880 I wasn't sure how he'd react, but he was chuffed. 359 00:24:03,100 --> 00:24:05,880 People say to me these days, Islamophobia. 360 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,400 I say, no, lamb is a type of meat. 361 00:24:18,860 --> 00:24:20,080 You might have a phobia of them. 362 00:24:20,860 --> 00:24:23,180 When you were little, you fell into a shepherd's pie. 363 00:24:24,300 --> 00:24:25,420 We've all done that. 364 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:29,360 Some strange people out there. Do you hear about that woman who was arrested 365 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:33,020 at Gatswick Airport this morning? Seven baby porcupines in a pillowcase. 366 00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:36,100 I don't know how some people sleep at night. 367 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:43,760 Moped crime. 368 00:24:44,220 --> 00:24:46,920 scourge of our streets. I saw a moped coming towards me the other day. I 369 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,540 waited, I waited, I waited. It was going past. 370 00:24:48,820 --> 00:24:49,920 Took him off. 371 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,760 Just as well, when I opened up what he had in the back, he'd clearly just 372 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,140 stolen a human heart. 373 00:25:03,980 --> 00:25:05,640 I've only saved a life there. 374 00:25:10,100 --> 00:25:13,020 Very good. At the end of that round, the point's been omitted, Joe. 375 00:25:17,290 --> 00:25:19,470 Join us after the break for more Boxer Week. 376 00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:30,850 Our next round of callers, this is the answer. What is the question? 377 00:25:31,050 --> 00:25:33,430 On the board of six categories. Lou, which category would you like? 378 00:25:33,650 --> 00:25:35,570 Oh, for me, it's going to have to be politics. 379 00:25:35,890 --> 00:25:39,410 Oh, right. That's the kind of show we make. The topic is politics, and the 380 00:25:39,410 --> 00:25:41,750 answer is eight years. What is the question? 381 00:25:42,330 --> 00:25:46,450 What did Mike Tyson do to Evander Holyfield? 382 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:48,280 Eight years. 383 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:50,400 Eight years. 384 00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:54,340 Do you get it? 385 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:55,520 Yes. 386 00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:59,460 Wow. I mean, just to put all the chips into the middle of the table like that. 387 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:07,440 Is it that when the washing machine says it has one minute left, how long is 388 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,440 actually left? 389 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,600 Is it, when is my emergency GP appointment? 390 00:26:16,810 --> 00:26:17,810 What age was I? 391 00:26:18,030 --> 00:26:20,390 And I said to my mum, I'm no good at mathematics. 392 00:26:20,850 --> 00:26:23,310 And she said, well, you're good at other things. Count your blessings. 393 00:26:23,510 --> 00:26:24,510 I said, I can't. 394 00:26:26,790 --> 00:26:30,670 Is it, what is the age of consent if you own an island? 395 00:26:32,710 --> 00:26:38,430 For legal purposes, I am not stating any particular island. 396 00:26:39,190 --> 00:26:42,910 I'm not suggesting any particular political figures have visited any 397 00:26:42,910 --> 00:26:43,910 particular island. 398 00:26:44,780 --> 00:26:46,360 Phantom to Amonte is going to be furious. 399 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,720 Is it, how long would it take me to answer all the messages I got after last 400 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,640 week's episode that said, where's Hugh? 401 00:26:55,800 --> 00:27:01,060 Is it, at what age, after a frankly unacceptable tour, was I inexplicably 402 00:27:01,060 --> 00:27:03,300 given a chocolate factory to try and run by myself? 403 00:27:05,020 --> 00:27:09,300 I had absolutely no qualifications to do it. The whole thing was a death trap, 404 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:10,360 frankly. 405 00:27:10,980 --> 00:27:12,540 It's shut down. It's a vape shop now. 406 00:27:15,010 --> 00:27:20,850 Is it how often is so often in the phrase I floss every so often? 407 00:27:23,450 --> 00:27:26,990 Is it how long is Christmas dinner going to feel at the Beckham's this year? 408 00:27:30,950 --> 00:27:32,490 They're all in. They're all in tonight. 409 00:27:33,150 --> 00:27:36,970 Is it how much time have I saved cumulatively in my life since I realised 410 00:27:36,970 --> 00:27:38,570 you can just put pasta straight in the kettle? 411 00:27:41,750 --> 00:27:42,750 Is it... 412 00:27:43,210 --> 00:27:45,890 How old do your friend's kids have to be before you can swear at them? 413 00:27:47,690 --> 00:27:52,870 For how long now has Melania been saying to herself, this will be his last 414 00:27:52,870 --> 00:27:53,870 Christmas? 415 00:27:59,310 --> 00:28:02,810 Is it how long did Peter Maddison say emails were kept for? 416 00:28:05,150 --> 00:28:10,550 How long is it going to take before I can go to sleep? 417 00:28:10,890 --> 00:28:15,130 without seeing the image of Peter Madison flashing before my eyes. 418 00:28:15,890 --> 00:28:18,170 Is it simply, how long's left? 419 00:28:22,130 --> 00:28:23,270 That's a guess, yeah. 420 00:28:26,350 --> 00:28:31,150 If you add them all up, how long does it feel like the ads are on this show? 421 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:37,200 God, I've seen, oh, the ad, there's one ad of me, I apologize to anyone who's 422 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:40,780 not, where it's me with a logo behind me, and I saw it mute in a football 423 00:28:40,780 --> 00:28:43,520 stadium, and it looked like something out of The Running Man. 424 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:48,120 I just stood there, and I can see my mouth moving, and I was saying, you 425 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:49,920 could earn a million credits, or die. 426 00:28:52,820 --> 00:28:53,820 We'll dial it down. 427 00:28:54,580 --> 00:28:58,380 How long is it since I kissed a bat without fear of consequences? 428 00:29:03,790 --> 00:29:06,710 How long does it feel like plays last? 429 00:29:09,530 --> 00:29:10,930 Big tears are going down. 430 00:29:12,650 --> 00:29:14,750 Now I don't approve of that joke, actually. 431 00:29:15,950 --> 00:29:18,430 These people only come to shit they can get into for free. 432 00:29:23,630 --> 00:29:25,130 That's our demographic right there. 433 00:29:25,590 --> 00:29:28,690 Therefore, is it how long did everyone here save up to come? 434 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,700 How old do jockeys look in silhouette? 435 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:45,740 Is it how long before Trump's Board of Peace changed its name to the First 436 00:29:45,740 --> 00:29:46,740 Order? 437 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,980 Is it how long would it take you to lift all my gods? 438 00:29:57,740 --> 00:29:58,800 Pretty sure. 439 00:29:59,060 --> 00:30:00,600 Once I'd done the elephant one. 440 00:30:02,370 --> 00:30:04,350 Wait, did you just call him the elephant one? The elephant one. 441 00:30:05,450 --> 00:30:06,450 Oh, M. 442 00:30:06,470 --> 00:30:07,470 Garnett. 443 00:30:08,410 --> 00:30:11,390 I was going to say Gilgamesh. 444 00:30:13,350 --> 00:30:16,670 That would have been epic. That's the bad guy from the Smurfs. 445 00:30:17,990 --> 00:30:20,210 I did not know this is how we got cancelled. 446 00:30:21,450 --> 00:30:22,450 Will again. 447 00:30:23,850 --> 00:30:27,170 We do need to go to the correct answer if we can, please. Is it when was the 448 00:30:27,170 --> 00:30:28,159 last time a... 449 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:30,980 British Prime Minister visited China. That's absolutely right. Thank you very, 450 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:32,040 very much. 451 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:41,680 Until Keir Starmer's recent trip, how long had it been since the UK Prime 452 00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:42,680 Minister visited China? 453 00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,920 This is the news that Keir Starmer led a delegation to China to break the eight 454 00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:49,360 -year ice age in diplomatic relations between the two countries and to pursue 455 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:50,700 a closer trading partnership. 456 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:52,000 So, what happened on the trip? 457 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:58,360 Well, what happens in China stays in China. We were there to sort of 458 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,840 negotiate, meet their prime minister, and then, is it prime minister? 459 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,080 Emperor. 460 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:05,320 Yeah. 461 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:07,180 This is why you didn't get the job. 462 00:31:08,380 --> 00:31:09,660 We didn't send you. 463 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:10,859 Is it prime minister? 464 00:31:10,860 --> 00:31:11,439 Who cares? 465 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:15,900 We have so little to offer China. They famously make everything, okay? But we 466 00:31:15,900 --> 00:31:19,440 need their, like, oil, their microchips, their uranium, and what we offered in 467 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:23,710 return is... like lower tariffs on whiskey yeah and it really just feels 468 00:31:23,710 --> 00:31:27,330 like when you're a teenager and you buy a christmas present for your parents and 469 00:31:27,330 --> 00:31:31,150 like they've got your playstation and a bmx and you've got your dad this can of 470 00:31:31,150 --> 00:31:36,810 shaving foam he shouldn't be taking presents from china because if he needs 471 00:31:36,810 --> 00:31:41,850 to send them back it's really hard there's been a lot of gifts back and 472 00:31:41,850 --> 00:31:47,390 forth so uh xi jinping gave kia starmer a copper statue of a horse uh because 473 00:31:47,390 --> 00:31:53,120 it's the chinese year of the horse And Starmer gave Xi Jinping a statue of a 474 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:54,960 British guy who's just fucking given up. 475 00:31:56,700 --> 00:31:57,940 That's what Yared is here. 476 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:03,260 He actually gave... Keir Starmer gave him a football, didn't he? He gave him 477 00:32:03,260 --> 00:32:05,800 the football from the Arsenal United game that had taken place about two days 478 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:09,440 earlier. That's the only thing, isn't it? Football, where you give someone 479 00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:13,320 the... Like, it doesn't happen in other areas of cultural... Like, you don't go 480 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:16,160 to the ballet and then give someone the lead fella's codpiece. 481 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:21,160 The weird thing about it is that Xi isn't even into football. Starmer just 482 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:22,340 misread his name as Eleven. 483 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,220 His official name is Starting Xi. 484 00:32:29,860 --> 00:32:33,200 We've got to negotiate with China now, basically, haven't we? And for years 485 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:35,080 we've been anti-negotiating with China because they're like an evil 486 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:36,080 dictatorship or whatever. 487 00:32:36,180 --> 00:32:39,400 But now they're the most powerful economy in the world, so we have no 488 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:44,700 choice. And it's just exactly like the nerdy girl in an American high school 489 00:32:44,700 --> 00:32:46,240 movie who suddenly gets hot. 490 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:49,420 And what's effectively happened with the economy is China has taken off its 491 00:32:49,420 --> 00:32:51,480 glasses and let down its hair. 492 00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:53,900 And we've gone, oh my God, you're gorgeous. 493 00:32:55,140 --> 00:32:58,040 You can have all the sweatshop shots you want as long as you go to prom with me, 494 00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:01,200 please. Do you realise you just said sweatsop? Yes. 495 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,920 I'm hoping no one noticed that. 496 00:33:05,700 --> 00:33:09,640 Apparently, when he was in Beijing, a star morass could see the forbidden 497 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:12,120 city. But they said, no. 498 00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:20,480 No, they give them a lububu. They give them a really special lububu whose eyes 499 00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:21,700 follow you around the room. 500 00:33:22,580 --> 00:33:27,860 And you start by leaning into the lububu and going, one, one, two, 501 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:31,720 to bring luck to all of your private meetings. 502 00:33:34,580 --> 00:33:38,580 Ignore the beeping and clicking noises it makes as it uploads the good fortune. 503 00:33:39,740 --> 00:33:42,980 If the lububu asks you to speak louder, then you should speak louder. 504 00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:47,270 But also, we've got to work with China, haven't we, because we want an 505 00:33:47,270 --> 00:33:49,790 alternative to Trump, because Trump's too mad, right? And the thing is, like, 506 00:33:49,850 --> 00:33:52,950 China, evil, whatever, but at least they do it in a predictable way, like you 507 00:33:52,950 --> 00:33:55,530 say, right? China is like, oh, China want to spy on us. Why? 508 00:33:55,810 --> 00:33:56,830 Because they want some information. 509 00:33:57,130 --> 00:34:01,810 With Trump, it's like, oh, Trump's going to bomb Burundi and put a tariff on 510 00:34:01,810 --> 00:34:02,549 urinal cakes. 511 00:34:02,550 --> 00:34:04,630 Why? Because he didn't win the Booker Prize? 512 00:34:07,989 --> 00:34:10,909 To commemorate Prime Minister Keir Starmer's historic visit to the country, 513 00:34:11,010 --> 00:34:12,770 let's see how much you all know about China. 514 00:34:13,630 --> 00:34:16,170 OK, what holds part of the Great Wall of China together? 515 00:34:16,409 --> 00:34:17,109 Dickie Rice! 516 00:34:17,110 --> 00:34:18,110 No! 517 00:34:18,130 --> 00:34:22,350 You both... No, that was a joke. What? 518 00:34:22,690 --> 00:34:25,409 What? No, no, it's true. It's Dickie Rice. It's Dickie Rice. Yeah, yeah, 519 00:34:25,409 --> 00:34:26,409 yeah. Shut up. 520 00:34:28,830 --> 00:34:31,710 Dickie Rice is the nickname of the guy who meant the wall. 521 00:34:34,250 --> 00:34:36,170 No, it's genuinely sticky rice. 522 00:34:36,590 --> 00:34:38,210 Wait, and you two were both guessing? 523 00:34:38,429 --> 00:34:40,170 Yeah. That's the most racist guess I've ever heard of. 524 00:34:42,090 --> 00:34:46,590 It only takes 45 minutes to be sharing the one studio before women's punchlines 525 00:34:46,590 --> 00:34:47,590 start to fall. 526 00:34:50,449 --> 00:34:53,670 I came right round. The point is going to be Rhys and Milton. 527 00:34:56,270 --> 00:34:58,670 Join us after the break for more Master Week. 528 00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:10,520 on to things we'd like to see. So if everyone can make their way over to the 529 00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:13,220 performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our 530 00:35:13,220 --> 00:35:14,520 panellists can come up with. 531 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:19,620 OK, here we go. The first subject is things you wouldn't hear on a news 532 00:35:19,620 --> 00:35:20,620 programme. 533 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:25,060 We're hearing there's been a spate of people leaving out their legs to trip up 534 00:35:25,060 --> 00:35:28,040 some of our correspondents. For more on this, here's our reporter on the ground. 535 00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:35,680 And big news tonight, the story of the greatest comeback in TV history. 536 00:35:36,090 --> 00:35:37,370 Join me again. I'm Hugh Edwards. 537 00:35:40,910 --> 00:35:46,010 If you've been affected by any of our stories on tonight's Panorama special on 538 00:35:46,010 --> 00:35:50,230 sex addiction, then please call our hotline and speak to Sam. 539 00:35:50,570 --> 00:35:53,070 She's hot, she's horny, and she's waiting for your call. 540 00:35:56,010 --> 00:35:59,310 And we've just got time to have a look at tomorrow's papers, and the front page 541 00:35:59,310 --> 00:36:00,690 of The Guardian has gone with... 542 00:36:06,250 --> 00:36:09,370 The victim wished to remain anonymous, which, once you get to know him, is just 543 00:36:09,370 --> 00:36:10,930 such a Will Patterson thing to do. 544 00:36:14,510 --> 00:36:19,450 Next up, tonight's special report on elder care, where we'll be speaking to a 545 00:36:19,450 --> 00:36:25,110 representative from Age UK, and for BBC Balance, the ghost of Harold Shipman. 546 00:36:28,390 --> 00:36:31,890 Iran? So, is it Iran or Iran? 547 00:36:32,330 --> 00:36:33,750 Iran or Iran? Iran. 548 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,480 Iran over a child on my way to work this morning. 549 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:42,140 We're going now to our foreign correspondent. 550 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:44,360 I think he's Indian or something. 551 00:36:48,700 --> 00:36:49,920 I'm the foreign correspondent. 552 00:36:53,260 --> 00:36:56,240 Clive, who writes our author queue, has sadly passed away, so we will be having 553 00:36:56,240 --> 00:36:58,820 a minute's silence, possibly longer if we can't find someone else. 554 00:37:03,210 --> 00:37:07,870 If you think watching the BBC TV news is pointless, then you've probably tuned in 555 00:37:07,870 --> 00:37:08,870 too early. 556 00:37:12,990 --> 00:37:16,410 Later, we'll be asking, are newsreaders intentionally trying to make their 557 00:37:16,410 --> 00:37:19,790 colleagues sound like perverts? But first, it's over to Wimbledon, where 558 00:37:19,790 --> 00:37:21,670 Stephen is getting a good look at the men's semis. 559 00:37:24,730 --> 00:37:28,330 Breaking news just in. Today, Piers Morgan let someone finish a sentence. 560 00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:34,580 Sport now, and some women have been having a go at football. 561 00:37:39,140 --> 00:37:40,140 What? 562 00:37:40,460 --> 00:37:41,920 You wouldn't hear that. 563 00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:45,920 You wouldn't hear that. It's good that you wouldn't hear that. 564 00:37:47,980 --> 00:37:48,980 Misogynist. 565 00:37:50,740 --> 00:37:53,760 Sport now, and some Irish people have been having a go at football. 566 00:38:02,350 --> 00:38:07,690 Breaking news. The chairman of the BBC has been sacked for letting outrageously 567 00:38:07,690 --> 00:38:10,110 good talent go to another TV channel. 568 00:38:16,310 --> 00:38:19,150 Football is shit and boring and played by wankers. Sorry. 569 00:38:20,150 --> 00:38:22,550 That was an Irishman having a go at football. 570 00:38:27,090 --> 00:38:29,590 Previously on The News. 571 00:38:30,470 --> 00:38:31,470 Everything. 572 00:38:35,330 --> 00:38:38,650 And in business news, the footsie is actually getting a bit mutt, Steve. 573 00:38:38,750 --> 00:38:39,750 Would you mind keeping it professional? 574 00:38:43,690 --> 00:38:46,590 That was Josephine with the weather. And if you'd like to see more of Josephine, 575 00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:48,190 you're in luck. She is on OnlyFans. 576 00:38:51,890 --> 00:38:53,330 You're watching GB News. 577 00:38:53,650 --> 00:38:55,710 Over now to have a look at the foreign market. 578 00:38:56,910 --> 00:38:58,130 Urgh, is that what they eat? 579 00:39:01,770 --> 00:39:05,750 You're watching Question Time, where joining me on the panel are four of 580 00:39:05,750 --> 00:39:08,150 Britain's most available nutjobs. 581 00:39:11,190 --> 00:39:16,070 Trouble news now. The London to Brighton line has been suspended due to a shoe on 582 00:39:16,070 --> 00:39:17,070 the rail. 583 00:39:19,130 --> 00:39:21,230 Sorry I'm late. Trouble with my tits. 584 00:39:24,850 --> 00:39:25,850 Me too. 585 00:39:29,550 --> 00:39:31,370 We now go live to our Ukraine correspondent. 586 00:39:31,630 --> 00:39:34,610 Stephen, you're a few miles outside the conflict. Tell us, what is it like being 587 00:39:34,610 --> 00:39:35,610 a pussy? 588 00:39:37,350 --> 00:39:41,070 The next topic is unlikely things to hear in a job interview. 589 00:39:43,370 --> 00:39:47,790 I'd be happy to come in Wednesday, which is the reason I got fired from the new 590 00:39:47,790 --> 00:39:48,950 Addams Family movie. 591 00:39:54,950 --> 00:39:58,250 Can I confirm I'm not using chat GPT to help me with this Zoom interview? 592 00:39:58,750 --> 00:40:01,070 That's an awesome question. Here's a list of ten possible responses. 593 00:40:05,250 --> 00:40:08,730 Yes, I have done my research. For instance, I know exactly what school 594 00:40:08,730 --> 00:40:09,730 your children go to. 595 00:40:13,930 --> 00:40:18,110 Yes, computers are my life, really. I know an awful lot about them, yes. And 596 00:40:18,110 --> 00:40:20,990 even when I go to a restaurant, you know, I trip up the waiter and shout, 597 00:40:21,130 --> 00:40:22,290 the server's down! 598 00:40:26,830 --> 00:40:29,100 Uh, the four-year... a gap in my CV. 599 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:31,360 Yes, some dipshit cancelled the show. 600 00:40:38,220 --> 00:40:40,920 No, you seem like a perfect candidate, Miss Barnes, but you're not wearing any 601 00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:41,920 shoes. 602 00:40:46,180 --> 00:40:48,340 And were you breastfed for love? 603 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:50,600 And would you like to be? 604 00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:55,680 So of the Lighthouse family, a family... 605 00:40:55,900 --> 00:40:59,160 who live in a lighthouse, or a family whose surname is Lighthouse? 606 00:40:59,900 --> 00:41:01,120 Sorry, questions about the job? 607 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:02,360 Uh, no. 608 00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:08,080 I've wanted to be an auctioneer ever since I was a little boy. I dreamt about 609 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:11,240 it once, I dreamt about it twice, I dreamt about it three times. No, no, you 610 00:41:11,240 --> 00:41:12,700 don't want me? Okay, I'm gone! 611 00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:20,660 And then I let the three final guys finish off on my chest. 612 00:41:20,980 --> 00:41:24,020 And that's an example of how I'm good at teamwork. 613 00:41:28,230 --> 00:41:30,150 Oh, the three years in Wormwood Scrubs. 614 00:41:30,870 --> 00:41:31,990 Was I the warden? 615 00:41:32,630 --> 00:41:33,670 Yeah, let's go with that. 616 00:41:36,470 --> 00:41:41,850 Yes, the last genetic lab I worked in, I crossed a pit bull terrier with a 617 00:41:41,850 --> 00:41:42,850 boomerang. 618 00:41:43,210 --> 00:41:45,730 Unfortunately, it came back to bite me. 619 00:41:49,910 --> 00:41:53,610 Oh, I don't know, probably shagging identical twin brothers. 620 00:41:53,930 --> 00:41:56,370 Oh, you mean my greatest workplace achievement? 621 00:41:58,890 --> 00:42:01,470 Interesting fact about me, I've got an identical twin brother. 622 00:42:05,730 --> 00:42:07,390 Do I have any questions for you? 623 00:42:07,670 --> 00:42:10,530 How good is the Wi-Fi in the toilets? 624 00:42:15,330 --> 00:42:19,510 Hustler, grinder, these are just two of the apps I've been banned from. 625 00:42:22,070 --> 00:42:26,910 We believe in equal opportunities here, mainly so the women can shut up. 626 00:42:29,870 --> 00:42:33,590 Have I got any questions? Well, what kind of cars does this garage have? 627 00:42:34,470 --> 00:42:36,750 What kind of cars does this garage have? 628 00:42:37,350 --> 00:42:38,990 What kind of... Oh, hire. 629 00:42:45,510 --> 00:42:51,430 A critique I got at my last job, that I put people down, which is apparently 630 00:42:51,430 --> 00:42:53,090 abusing my power as a vet. 631 00:42:58,190 --> 00:43:02,330 impressions. Um, I'm Gary, the CEO. My wife's lesbian. 632 00:43:02,530 --> 00:43:03,530 I think of cabbage. 633 00:43:06,230 --> 00:43:07,290 My biggest strength? 634 00:43:07,510 --> 00:43:09,390 Knowing when not to answer questions. 635 00:43:09,590 --> 00:43:10,590 My biggest weakness? 636 00:43:11,090 --> 00:43:12,090 Probably tits. 637 00:43:14,270 --> 00:43:17,090 At the end of that round of points, do the Lou, Rhys and Milton. 638 00:43:21,910 --> 00:43:25,930 And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are Angela Barnes, Ed 639 00:43:25,930 --> 00:43:26,930 Berman and Harsha. 640 00:43:29,260 --> 00:43:32,440 Commiserations to Milton Jones, Rhys James and Lou Sanders. 641 00:43:34,140 --> 00:43:36,860 Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O'Brien. Good night.